Words have the power to heal, encourage, instruct, and bless. Yet too often we use our words to brag, deceive, confuse, and wound. The apostle James wrote, The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.

The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire ‘no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. – James 3:5-10

This should not be! Yet, this restless evil is a stumbling block to us all. So what can you do? James said no one can tame the tongue, so is it a lost cause? Maybe for men, but not for God. Submit your words to the Lord. He alone is able to change our hearts, and therefore, our poisonous words. But are you off the hook? No way. God calls us to strive after Him and bless the people around us. Below are thirteen practical ways to help you communicate without spreading a fire.

1. Avoid the Words “Never” and “Always”
   These words are used when you are frustrated or irritated, but they cause the other person to feel unfairly accused. When you use these words, you are usually exaggerating and not communicating precisely. Using the words “never” and “always” may communicate your frustration, but they hurt the other person by creating defensiveness.
2. Don’t Blame, Shame, or Call Names
   When you feel frustrated, hurt, or angry, you are tempted to strike back. You want the other person to feel what you are feeling. If you can blame or shame the other person, you think you will achieve a degree of satisfaction. But blaming and shaming statements cause both parties to feel miserable and will ultimately hurt the relationship.
3. Use “I” Statements Rather Than “You” Statements
   It is much easier to hear someone say, “I’m feeling frustrated,” than to hear him or her say, “You frustrate me!” “You” statements cause people to feel blamed or accused. They can no longer listen with empathy because their attention is focused on defending themselves. Therefore, “you” statements are counterproductive to healthy, effective communication efforts.
4. Say, “I am Hurt,” Rather Than, “I Am Angry or Mad”
   To increase your intimacy and decrease your aggression, you will want to reduce the number of times you use the words angry and mad. After you have been hurt in some way or another, it is a natural reaction to become angry. But more often than not, your hurt is your primary or root emotion. To communicate most effectively, you will want to express that root emotion. When you become frustrated, irritated, jealous, or hurt in some way, share those feelings rather than say that you are angry. When hurt is expressed, it leads to healing. But anger begets anger! Therefore, it’s best to share your hurt rather than your anger.
5. Take a Time-Out
   If you become angry to the point of losing control or teetering on the edge of saying something purposely hurtful, we recommend that you call for a time-out. This technique protects your relationship from deteriorating further.
6. Don’t Withdraw or Isolate
   When you withdraw or isolate, you hurt the other person. You create a situation where the other person feels ignored, cut off, or abandoned. Withdrawing can be perceived as a way to punish the other person. If you need to withdraw to stay in control of yourself, take a time-out.
7. Repeat to the Person What He or She Said to You Before You Share Your Thoughts, Feelings, or Possible Solutions
   This process involves intentionally listening for the thoughts and feelings of your partner and then repeating them before sharing your thoughts and feelings. Acknowledging what the other person has shared is essential. First, it lets the other person know that you are listening intently, and he or she feels cared for. Second, it provides a way to check on the accuracy of what you heard. It keeps communication clear.
8. Don’t Interrupt
   Give the other person a chance to share. Interrupt only if you need to ask a question to better understand what is being said. It is especially difficult not to interrupt when you hear your partner saying things that hurt you. Your natural tendency is to defend yourself. You may need to bite your tongue to keep from interrupting during these times, but forgo the temptation. You will need to tell yourself that you, too, will get a chance to share your feelings and thoughts, but you must wait until the other person is finished.
9. Don’t Demand
   Rather than demand, ask! Demanding usually results in the other person’s feeling controlled. Since most of us felt controlled by our parents as children, we don’t respond well to demands. Demands can send shivers up our spines or even worse! It is much more effective to ask a question of the other person than to make demands. For example, ask, “Do you think you could?” or “Would you be willing to?”.
10. Use the Phrase “I Would Like.” Rather Than “I Need”
    Rather than say, “I need you to listen to me!” say, “I would like it very much if you would listen to me.” To say, “I need,” is to sound more demanding of a person. Though you may have a legitimate need, it is still better to communicate with a statement of desire.
11. Don’t Use Threats
    Threats can be detrimental to your relationship. You will have an instinctive tendency to use them when you feel hopeless, frustrated, or backed into a corner. Nevertheless, avoid threats at all costs. Call for a time-out, bite your tongue, but don’t use threats. Threats are identified by the keyword “if”:
    –“If you don’t stop nagging, I’ll…”
    –“If you ever do that again, I’ll…”
    Threats should be considered extreme measures that don’t solve conflicts.
12. Be Affirming
    Thank the other person for listening intently. But be sincere! Work very hard at keeping your communication positive. Even when you disagree with what your partner is sharing, you can still thank him or her for communicating thoughts and feelings. You can thank your partner for sticking with the conversation rather than isolating or withdrawing. Someone once told us, “It takes ten positives to balance out one negative,” and we have found this to be true. Force yourself to communicate in affirming ways.
13. Don’t Use the Statement “You Broke the Rule”
    These rules are designed to protect your relationship. Be careful not to use them to beat up or criticize each other. Rather than say, “You broke a rule,” it is better to say something like this:
    –“I felt hurt when you called me irresponsible.”
    –“I felt belittled when you told me I wasn’t smart enough to understand that concept.”
    –“I felt defensive when you told me that I never cared about anyone but myself.”
    “You broke the rule” has a way of shaming the other person because it is a “you” statement rather than an “I” statement. It would be better to say, “I would like us to work as hard as we can to follow our rules. I feel that it really hurts us when we don’t.”

Excerpted from “Let Love Change Your Life” by Roger and Becky Tirabassi

May we always chose our words wisely,

Chaplain Rob

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stout-hearted. – Psalm 138:3

About five seconds outside the womb I think we all discover that this life isn’t easy. And it seems that the older we get the tougher it becomes. Some people have problems or are attracted to difficulties like fleas to a dog. Others make it through life with relatively little difficulty.

But most likely, you’ll face some tough times in life, and it’s not important how your challenges stack up to the challenges of others. Sometimes you might wonder if you are going to be able to make it through, and you will if you hold onto God. He’s promised to see you through.

Are you weighed down? Do you feel overcome with grief or alone in your struggle?

You can choose to take steps to walk through your challenges and come through them a stronger person.

Remember, believing in God and in Jesus Christ doesn’t mean you won’t have problems. But it does mean you have resources, people, and God’s Spirit who will see you through your problems. What could be better?

Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records. – William A. Ward

May God Bless each of you as you go through struggles.

Chaplain Dunbar

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. – Romans 5:3-5

In 1741 George Frideric Handel wrote Messiah, one of the finest and most inspiring musical scores ever composed. In the time leading up to his greatest accomplishment, Handel’s health and fortunes had reached a low ebb. A stroke had left the right side of his body paralyzed: and he worked under the threat of imprisonment on account of crushing financial debt.

I can’t help but wonder whether Handel would’ve chosen the tenuous life of a composer had he known ahead of time the suffering he’d endure. If not, the world would’ve missed the blessing of this timeless and beautiful composition of praise.

Like Handel, we don’t know what our future holds. But we can be confident that God does, and that He uses every hardship to mold our character and accomplish a plan that remains perfect despite our inability to comprehend it. I pray that today you persevere in that certain hope.

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. – John Quincy Adams

Blessings,

Chaplain Rob

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9 NIV

Some of our most important dreams are the ones we abandon. Some of our most important goals are the ones we don’t attain. Sometimes, our most important journeys are the ones that we take to the winding conclusion of what seem to be dead-end streets. Thankfully, with God there are no dead-ends; there are only opportunities to learn, to yield, to trust, to serve, and to grow.

The next time you experience one of life’s inevitable disappointments, don’t despair and don’t be afraid to try “Plan B.” Consider every setback as an opportunity to choose a different, more appropriate path. Have faith that God may indeed be leading you in an entirely different direction, a direction of His choosing. And as you take your next step, remember that what looks like a dead-end to you may, in fact, be the fast lane according to God.

Often God has to shut a door in our face so that He can subsequently open the door through which He wants us to go. – Catherine Marshall

Every achievement worth remembering is stained with the blood of diligence and scarred by the wounds of disappointment. – Charles Swindoll

The amazing thing is that God follows us into the blackened ruins of our failed dreams, our misbegotten mirages, into the house of cards that has collapsed on us in some way and He speaks, not with the chastisement we feel we deserve, but of all things, with tenderness. – Paula Rinehart

TODAY’S PRAYER
Dear Lord, when I face the inevitable disappointments of life, remind me that You are in control. You are the Giver of all good things, Father, and You will bless me today, tomorrow, and forever. Amen.

Blessings,

Chaplain Rob